Written By: Michael

Don't let your penis be the center of your sexual universe. Great sex isn't penis-centered and neither are great lovers. You see, a great lover isn't someone who always does it right, has a gigantic penis, is always in the mood, can raise an erection on demand, can maintain an erection for 5 hours straight, and has the endurance of a marathon champion. Instead, a great lover is someone who is attentive, responsive, and creative, who makes each lovemaking experience special and memorable, makes his lady feel sexy, loved, and desired, and makes sure his lady is satisfied every single time - with or without his penis. A great lover isn't dependent upon only his penis to pleasure his partner. There is so much more to sex than just genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. It involves total-body sensuality, intimacy, passion, affection, playfulness, eroticism, and a mutual give-and-take. Sex that is all penis-centered all the time is a recipe for disaster for men, as it puts too much pressure on us and our penis to perform. You and your penis are human, not superhuman! When you stop having, viewing, and thinking of sex in this penis-centered manner, and instead adopt a total-body perspective of sex, you are much less likely to experience anxiety over our most common penis related issues such as penis size, performance anxiety, stamina, and loss of erection. That's not to say that there are never real problems that need to be addressed by a doctor or sex therapist, but just that most of the common anxieties we experience can be avoided by merely adopting a new perspective of sex.Let's take a look at some of these common penis-related anxieties and see how having a total-body perspective, rather than a penis-centered perspective of sex can make them disappear.

PENIS SIZE
A male's genitals generally get as big as they are going to get by 14.9 years of age, on average. Late bloomers will mostly have caught up by age 17 or 18. 90% of penises measure between 5-7 inches. The rest of us fall just outside that range. There currently aren't any penis enlargement methods that are both safe and effective, so your best bet is learning to become comfortable with what you have and stop obsessing about penis size. The truth is that size rarely matters. Most women you talk to will say that size doesn't matter to them at all. There are some size queens out there who say size does matter to them, but the truth is they are relatively few and far between. Frankly, if a woman is only interested in the size of my body parts, she isn't a woman I want to have anything to do with, anyway. Penis size is definitely more of a concern to men than women. In one survey, men thought the average penis size was 10 inches. Women thought it was 4 inches. In another survey, men thought that penis size was the 3rd most important feature for a man. In the same survey, women rated it only 9th. Most generally, when I have seen women speak about penis size, it's either that they want to know how to get their man to quit obsessing about his size, or they complain that their man is too big and hurts them during intercourse. I don't see them complaining that their man is too small.So, stop worrying about the dimensions of your penis. Mind-blowing sex is about everything BUT size and measuring. Mind-blowing sex is about being completely naked and vulnerable with your lover - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. Honestly, you'd be doing yourself a huge favor to focus on things other than your penis - things like your character, your willingness to please, your ability to communicate, and your capacity to feel, to connect, and to love, just to name a few. When a man knows that he can please his lady regardless of the size of his erection, he can be completely focused and in the moment, rather than focusing on his insecurities and perceived inadequacies. This makes him a better, more confident lover.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Sex is not a performance in which you have to do everything exactly right. If you view sex as a performance, then you are not going to be able to relax and be focused in the moment. Instead, you'll be mentally observing and judging all of your actions. Your partner doesn't have a scorecard. They aren't rating you abilities in bed, and neither should you. Many men base their own sexual prowess on their capacity to give their ladies orgasms. Some even feel great pressure to do so. They mistakenly believe they have to orchestrate and deliver powerful orgasms or they have failed. This is a great sentiment, especially considering the male-centered sexual attitudes of the past in which men were concerned with only their own pleasure, but the truth is that nobody can "give" someone else an orgasm, much as someone who tells a joke cannot "make" us laugh. Sure, they can tell a funny joke to HELP bring out the laughter in you, but YOU are the one that must release it. So, while we don't "give" women orgasms, we can help or hinder their orgasmic process. We can encourage the orgasm, but they must release it. When you believe you are responsible for your partner's orgasms, then sex goes from being a fun, loving activity to a sexual chore. There is also the potential for resentment and frustration when you put all of the weight of your partner's orgasms on your own shoulders, and it's a recipe for failure when you put that much pressure on your penis. Sex should be coupled with pleasure, not anxiety. Sex and pleasure is a recipe for success. Sex and anxiety is a recipe for disaster.Because you don't "give" her orgasms doesn't mean you should be passive or you are expendable, though. Your role isn't to deliver great orgasms. Your role is to help provide the emotional context (love, warmth, safety, acceptance, patience, and playfulness) and physical context (warm breath, wet kisses, erotic touches, your naked body pressed against hers, your fingers interlocking, your hands touching, your tongue pleasuring, etc…) that promotes orgasms. Just keep in mind that nobody gives someone else an orgasm. You don't do sex to her or for her, but rather WITH her.Not only can your issues with performance anxiety have a negative effect on you and your penis, but it can also have a negative effect on your lady. If she knows that you are too concerned with "performing well", then she can feel obligated to make sure your ego is boosted, taking away her focus on her own pleasure and enjoyment. "My husband? For him, sex is completely emotional. Sex isn't play for him, it's serious business, and he has to do "well" or he feels like a failure. That attitude in and of itself is a turn-off to me, because I feel obligated to make sure his ego is being boosted, and I can't just enjoy myself. It's something I've been working on him with for years, and though we've made considerable progress, I've been feeling a growing sense of discontent in the bedroom." Anonymous femaleWhen a man realizes that sex isn't a performance in which he has to do everything right and he realizes that he isn't responsible for orchestrating and delivering great orgasms to his lady, he can be completely focused and in the moment, rather than worrying about his performance, detracting from his own pleasure and enjoyment and even that of his lady. This makes him a better, more confident lover.

STAMINA / PREMATURE EJACULATION
Great stamina during sex isn't nearly as important as most of us guys think it is. I don't really believe that every woman wants a man who can have intercourse for hours on end (there may be a few). Intercourse can become irritable, uncomfortable, or even painful after awhile for most vaginas.So how long should you last during intercourse? Well, throw away your stopwatch. Time is not an issue, here. However long it takes to satisfy both partners is the answer. If you last for 3 minutes before you orgasm, but you are both happy with that, then where is the problem? There is only a problem if she isn't satisfied after you orgasm, whether that's 3 minutes into it, or 3 hours into it, and ONLY if you stop making love at that point, when you ejaculate. Remember, sex doesn't end at the male ejaculation!So if you last 3 minutes and she is not yet satisfied, don't feel like a failure. Instead, you can now focus completely on HER pleasure. Using your penis is NOT the only way to satisfy a lady. In time, with some practice, you'll last longer. In the meantime, learn to pleasure her in other ways and then it won't matter how long you last with your penis at all. If you learn to use all of your body to please your lady, rather than just your penis - if you give her great orgasms before your penis ever enters the picture, then she probably won't care if you don't last long. This will take a lot of pressure off of you and I think you'll find your penis will actually "perform" better just for that reason. Most of us have unrealistic expectations about how long others last during intercourse. I think this is due at least in part to the studs in porn videos that can last for what seems like hours, with the help of camera tricks and film editing. In reality, the "average" single guy lasts around 7 minutes in intercourse and the "average" married guy lasts around 14 minutes in intercourse, though most men can only sustain active thrusting during intercourse for an average of 2 minutes before reaching climax, according to one study. Remember, these are only average statistics. In order to be called average, there have to be numbers that are both higher and lower than the numbers listed here, so don't let these statistics define what average is for you. One common cause of rapid ejaculation is that most men learn to ejaculate very quickly during masturbation when they were younger, for fear of being caught. Now that you are grown up and no longer have to worry about being caught by your parents or siblings, you can slow down and take your time. Here's a great tip for you. Just remember this: Ladies first, gentlemen! Develop the habit of making sure she has her first orgasm before you even enter her with your penis. This gives her the head start that many women need in lovemaking and shows that you truly care about her pleasure. When you give your lady an orgasm first, it takes a lot of anxiety and pressure off you. You can now pursue your own orgasm without pressure. Doing this also postpones your orgasm, so now when you have one, it will be even better.It's also worth noting that some experts say most gay men do not experience the same problems with premature ejaculation that straight men do. It is believed by some that the reason for this is because gay men aren't worried about whether or not their female partner will have an orgasm. Therefore, there aren't preoccupied with worrying about how long they will be able to last. So, my best advice is to relax and not worry too much about how long you last. I don't think it's too important as long as you continue to pleasure your lady in other ways. In time, with some practice, you'll be able to last longer. When a man knows that his ability to pleasure his lady is not dependent upon how long his penis lasts during intercourse, he can be completely focused and in the moment, rather than focusing on trying to live up to unrealistic stamina expectations. This makes him a better, more confident lover.

LOSS OF ERECTION
When loss of erection occurs in the beginning of a relationship, or with young or inexperienced males, then it's too early to call it a problem. You are probably just feeling a little nervous, scared, anxious, and excited - all at once. That's normal, it's common, and it's ok. In the same way that thoughts and feelings alone can bring about an erection, they can also stifle one. Erections are vulnerable to distraction, nervousness, and anxiety. It takes awhile to feel safe, comfortable, and relaxed with someone. Loss of erection can cause a lot of confusion, upset, or even panic in some guys, as our penis, which has up to this point been reliable and ready for duty at anytime, can suddenly go limp due to the nervousness. The more into the lady you are, the better the chance you have of losing your erection because you want everything to go well and want to be sure to please her. It's ironic that it's the woman you'd most want to please that you may have erection problems with because you want everything to be perfect for her. When that happens to you, don't sweat it. Just relax. The more you worry about your erection, the harder it will be to raise it and keep it up. This can snowball into a big problem if not handled right. The more you worry, the tougher it will be to maintain the erection. The tougher it is to maintain the erection, the more you'll worry. Get it? Many men seem to believe that during each sexual episode, you only get one shot at an erection. If it doesn't happen, then the sex act is ruined and they are failures. If you have this viewpoint, then you may become very anxious if you lose your erection. Your anxiety only helps to create a self-fulfilling prophecy by making your erection less likely to occur. Get out of this frame of mind. If you lose your erection, then stay calm and confident. Try asking your partner for direct stimulation. If your erection comes back, great! If it doesn't, it's no big deal. Move on to other forms for mutual pleasure. You can try again later that day, the next day, or in a few days. If you have chosen your partner wisely, she will understand your nervousness and won't make a big deal out of it. Remember, it's likely that she's very nervous, also. In most instances, your erection loss is probably less of a concern for her than the potential anxiety, anger, depression, frustration, confusion, and withdrawal you may exhibit as a result of it. Don't make the mistake of thinking that sex is only about a penis in a vagina. If your penis isn't cooperating, then there are still plenty of ways to make love without a hard penis. Maybe the erection will come back. Maybe it won't. Either way, don't make a big deal over it and this will work itself out with a little bit of time, patience, and practice. This would be a great opportunity to focus on some touching, kissing, massages, or oral sex. A penis in a vagina isn't even the most efficient or effective way to pleasure most women, anyway. If a guy knows that he can pleasure his lady regardless of the presence of his erection, then he's much less likely to worry about achieving one, which incidentally makes it more likely that he will achieve one. This makes it possible for him to be completely focused and in the moment, and it makes him a better, more confident lover.

CONCLUSION:
Most of us seem to be preoccupied with only a few body parts, but sex is a total-body celebration - not a celebration of only our genitals. When you express all of your sexual energy through your penis, it gets too excited and carries too much pressure and you can start to experience problems such as the ones we've discussed. Sex isn't penis dependent. I know it goes against everything we were ever taught about sex, but I promise it's true. Your penis in her vagina isn't the only way - or even the best way - to give pleasure. Pleasure comes in many forms. We can make love with our entire selves. Once you let this sink in, it will help you let go of your anxieties about penis size, performance, stamina and loss of erection, too. Waiting until AFTER you get your penis inside your lady to satisfy her is NOT the answer. The truth of the matter is that there are many other ways to pleasure your lady without using your penis. You should try to please her sometime without using your penis at all. Try using your hands, mouth, lips, tongue, fingers, teeth, and your breath, instead of your penis. Or better yet, use your imagination. Just don't let intercourse be the be-all and end-all of your sexual repertoire. I can have incredible sex and never even use my penis at all. You can, too, if you try.

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